Two Inseminations

In one month.

How quick is my cycle? Well, we did our insemination for IUI #5 on March 5th and today is March 31st and we inseminated.

I’m keeping my finger’s crossed.

Just Add Prayers

Tehillim is the Hebrew name for the Psalms.

A good friend of mine, an Orthodox Jewish woman with a beautiful baby girl who just celebrated her first birthday, sent me Tehillim 102 and 103 with a reminder that it’s all in Hashem’s (G-d) hands. She, like me, went through almost a year of fertility woes and watched as our mutual friend “accidentally” got pregnant and others who were planning it did so easily. She has been one of my most consistent friends in this journey towards motherhood, and while my other friends who have been blessed with their children are now consumed with early motherhood, she always finds the time to ask me how I’m doing and to remind me that I’m still in her prayers.

So it can’t hurt to add one more ingredient to this crazy, tiring, expensive, exhausting, heart-wrenching, devastating TTC journey, right?
1A prayer for a poor man when he enwraps himself and pours out his speech before the Lord. אתְּפִלָּה לְעָנִי כִי יַעֲטֹף וְלִפְנֵי יְהֹוָה יִשְׁפֹּךְ שִׂיחוֹ:
2O Lord, hearken to my prayer, and may my cry come to You. ביְהֹוָה שִׁמְעָה תְפִלָּתִי וְשַׁוְעָתִי אֵלֶיךָ תָבוֹא:
3Do not hide Your countenance from me; on the day of my distress extend Your ear to me; on the day I call, answer me quickly. גאַל תַּסְתֵּר פָּנֶיךָ | מִמֶּנִּי בְּיוֹם צַר לִי הַטֵּה אֵלַי אָזְנֶךָ בְּיוֹם אֶקְרָא מַהֵר עֲנֵנִי:
4For my days have ended in smoke, and as a hearth my bones are dried up. דכִּי כָלוּ בְעָשָׁן יָמָי וְעַצְמוֹתַי כְּמוֹקֵד נִחָרוּ:
5Beaten like grass and withered is my heart, for I have forgotten to eat my bread. ההוּכָּה כָעֵשֶׂב וַיִּבַשׁ לִבִּי כִּי שָׁכַחְתִּי מֵאֲכֹל לַחְמִי:
6From the sound of my sigh my bones clung to my flesh. ומִקּוֹל אַנְחָתִי דָּבְקָה עַצְמִי לִבְשָׂרִי:
7I was like a bird of the wilderness; I was like an owl of the wasteland. זדָּמִיתִי לִקְאַת מִדְבָּר הָיִיתִי כְּכוֹס חֳרָבוֹת:
8I pondered, and I am like a lonely bird on a roof. חשָׁקַדְתִּי וָאֶהְיֶה כְּצִפּוֹר בּוֹדֵד עַל גָּג:
9All day long my enemies revile me; those who scorn me swear by me. טכָּל הַיּוֹם חֵרְפוּנִי אוֹיְבָי מְהוֹלָלַי בִּי נִשְׁבָּעוּ:
10For ashes I ate like bread, and my drinks I mixed with weeping. יכִּי אֵפֶר כַּלֶּחֶם אָכָלְתִּי וְשִׁקֻּוַי בִּבְכִי מָסָכְתִּי:
11Because of Your fury and Your anger, for You picked me up and cast me down. יאמִפְּנֵי זַעַמְךָ וְקִצְפֶּךָ כִּי נְשָׂאתַנִי וַתַּשְׁלִיכֵנִי:
12My days are like a lengthening shadow, and I dry out like grass. יביָמַי כְּצֵל נָטוּי וַאֲנִי כָּעֵשֶׂב אִיבָשׁ:
13But You, O Lord, will be enthroned forever, and Your mention is to all generations. יגוְאַתָּה יְהֹוָה לְעוֹלָם תֵּשֵׁב וְזִכְרְךָ לְדֹר וָדֹר:
14You will rise, You will have mercy on Zion for there is a time to favor it, for the appointed season has arrived. ידאַתָּה תָקוּם תְּרַחֵם צִיּוֹן כִּי עֵת לְחֶנְנָהּ כִּי בָא מוֹעֵד:
15For Your servants desired its stones and favored its dust. טוכִּי רָצוּ עֲבָדֶיךָ אֶת אֲבָנֶיהָ וְאֶת עֲפָרָהּ יְחֹנֵנוּ:
16And the nations will fear the name of the Lord, and all the kings of the earth Your glory. טזוְיִירְאוּ גוֹיִם אֶת שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וְכָל מַלְכֵי הָאָרֶץ אֶת כְּבוֹדֶךָ:
17For the Lord has built up Zion; He has appeared in His glory. יזכִּי בָנָה יְהֹוָה צִיּוֹן נִרְאָה בִּכְבוֹדוֹ:
18He has turned to the prayer of those who cried out, and He did not despise their prayer. יחפָּנָה אֶל תְּפִלַּת הָעַרְעָר וְלֹא בָזָה אֶת תְּפִלָּתָם:
19Let this be inscribed for the latest generation, and a [newly] created people will praise Yah. יטתִּכָּתֶב זֹאת לְדוֹר אַחֲרוֹן וְעַם נִבְרָא יְהַלֶּל יָהּ:
20For He has looked down from His holy height; the Lord looked from heaven to earth, ככִּי הִשְׁקִיף מִמְּרוֹם קָדְשׁוֹ יְהֹוָה מִשָּׁמַיִם | אֶל אֶרֶץ הִבִּיט:
21To hear the cry of the prisoner, to loose the sons of the dying nation; כאלִשְׁמֹעַ אֶנְקַת אָסִיר לְפַתֵּחַ בְּנֵי תְמוּתָה:
22To proclaim in Zion the name of the Lord and His praise in Jerusalem. כבלְסַפֵּר בְּצִיּוֹן שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וּתְהִלָּתוֹ בִּירוּשָׁלִָם:
23When peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to serve the Lord. כגבְּהִקָּבֵץ עַמִּים יַחְדָּו וּמַמְלָכוֹת לַעֲבֹד אֶת יְהֹוָה:
24He has afflicted my strength on the way; He has shortened my days. כדעִנָּה בַדֶּרֶךְ כֹּחִי (כתיב כֹּחִו) קִצַּר יָמָי:
25I say, “My God, do not take me away in the middle of my days, You Whose years endure throughout all generations. כהאֹמַר אֵלִי אַל תַּעֲלֵנִי בַּחֲצִי יָמָי בְּדוֹר דּוֹרִים שְׁנוֹתֶיךָ:
26In the beginning You founded the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. כולְפָנִים הָאָרֶץ יָסַדְתָּ וּמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֶיךָ שָׁמָיִם:
27They will perish but You will endure, and all of them will rot away like a garment; like raiment You will turn them over and they will pass away. כזהֵמָּה | יֹאבֵדוּ וְאַתָּה תַעֲמֹד וְכֻלָּם כַּבֶּגֶד יִבְלוּ כַּלְּבוּשׁ תַּחֲלִיפֵם וְיַחֲלֹפוּ:
28But You are He, and Your years will not end. כחוְאַתָּה הוּא וּשְׁנוֹתֶיךָ לֹא יִתָּמּוּ:
29The children of Your servants will dwell, and their seed will be established before You.” כטבְּנֵי עֲבָדֶיךָ יִשְׁכֹּנוּ וְזַרְעָם לְפָנֶיךָ יִכּוֹן:

CD4 According to Fertility Friend

I think I’m on Day 5, but I was spotting Saturday so who knows.

Started Femara, acupuncture and back on the supplements and green smoothies.

6 time’s a charm?

Cycle Day One

Maybe a Nissan (this Jewish month) conception?

Waiting for Aunt Flow

Three digital pregnancy tests and two more line tests and all negative.

No period yet. CD 24, 15DPO

I like the Digital Pregnancy Test, it’s No Bullshit.

Not Pregnant.

Three tests.

Three days.

No dice.

I had a beta appointment tomorrow (because I was so excited about the line I imagined was there) but I cancelled it. As easy as it for me to deal with seeing Clear Blue tell me I’m not knocked up. It’s like a punch in the gut to hear it from an actual human being.

I stopped Progesterone yesterday and the cramps are out of this world. I’m expecting to start my period tomorrow or Friday.

So onto IUI #6, but for now some amazing craft beer from Seattle.

It was Just My Imagination

Running away with me.

I, of course, spent the evening Googling “barely visible pregnancy test lines” and all of the pictures of faint lines on Google were much more pronounced than my, apparently just in my head, faint line. Leah didn’t see it and nothing this morning.

I dreamt that I took the test really early in the morning and right away we got two lines. In my dream I snuggled in next to Leah and whispered in her ear that we were going to be moms. I then looked at my phone for the time and it was 6AM (which meant 9AM back home) I called my mother to tell her that she’d be a grandma again.

When I woke up this morning it was actually 5AM and not 6AM and instead of two lines I got nothing. Not even an imaginary very faint, barely there line. And instead of crawling in next to her I curled into a ball and wondered what was wrong with me and my body. I wondered if I really could pass the ball to her and give up the hope of carrying a baby, or if I would be resentful. I wondered if we should try one more cycle of IUI, if we would really give IVF a go. And of course, I quietly cried.

Since she’s a mensch she didn’t bring up the other missing pee stick in the bathroom, but we’ll talk about it later tonight.

I actually feel like I’m going to bleed any minute. My cervix isn’t particularly high, but it’s kinda squishy soft so I’m guessing that like Smokey Robinson thinking the lady loved him, my barely there line was in my head.

Today is CD 21 and 12 DPO with my notoriously short cycles I could start bleeding any minute. I have one more test left which I’ll take tomorrow, but I’m thinking it’s a BFN. Again.

The Faintest of Lines

Don’t congratulate me! (I’m a Jew, it’s bad luck)

So today I decided to take a pregnancy test and saw the FAINTEST line. Like, barely there and Leah (who wears corrective lenses) didn’t see it.

Thoughts are-it’s the HCG from the trigger leaving my system or I might have a BFP or I may have a BFN tomorrow.

Since it’s CD15 and 11DPO and we got a trigger I’m thinking it’s the left over HCG.

I’m going to wait two more days and see.

6 DPO

Does anyone know of a LGBTQ Friendly TTC Site or App? I’m really annoyed that most don’t have “insemination” and that all have “intercourse”.

I’m sure there are some techy queers out there that can do this, no?

Anyway. Another day another chart and again I’m not really analyzing symptoms all that much. Though, it would seem that I have fallen prey to the infamous TWW Internet black hole of information, TTC groups, Mommy boards, etc.

The only things jumping off the charts for me are the same as they were yesterday: Exhaustion, a bit of cramping and gas, but a new one on this chart verses last one (unless I didn’t see it) is vivid dreams. So many crazy, vivid dreams in the past few days.

We have another 6 Days to go before we can test because of the trigger. Here’s hoping they float by like these have!

5 DPO

I found this handy chart when Googling 5 DPO and the only thing that’s really jumping off the charts for me (in comparison to this chart) is the exhaustion; (It’s 10AM here and I’m only awake because I promised to do the dishes before heading to work at noon) the headaches and dull cramping.

I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling. The first few IUIs I analyzed every single feeling in my body and was absolutely sure it was an early pregnancy sign. Now I’m sorta breezing through this TWW without much thought. I’m actually only aware I’m in the TWW when Leah is drinking sake like she was this weekend we went to the park to enjoy the 65 degree weather here in Seattle and I while I drank water.

I started Progesterone on Sunday, which my NP didn’t think was “necessary.” She thinks that short luteal phases are an over-diagnosed occurrence and that most women under 40 don’t need extra Progesterone therapy. I think that I spent hundreds of dollars on Progesterone that I can’t return or sell legally so if it won’t hurt, why not. And she agreed that it wouldn’t do any harm to start it again with this cycle.

So here we are, not quite in the middle of TWW and like the beginning of this cycle, I’m just feeling relaxed, calm, centered. And a bit gassy.