And So We Begin, Again.

We’ve been in Seattle for exactly 3 weeks, and unfortunately, I’m not 6 weeks pregnant. Somewhere between Ohio and Wisconsin I got a call from my RE confirming that we were not pregnant and advised to go off of the Progesterone, my period showed up one day later and today is the third day of the following cycle (yay short cycles!)

We also got the unfortunate news that Leah’s insurance will NOT be covering any fertility so we’re in a really stuck place and feeling a bit desperate and uncertain about our next steps.

Option 1

Pay out of pocket and keep up with the IUIs

Because of my mountains of fertility issues; fibroids, blocked tube, mysterious left ovary that neither I or any practitioner has seen in over a year it seems like a good idea to find another RE or midwife here in Seattle and get back to our regularly and more expensive programming of monitoring, Femera, IUI and Progesterone knowing that it will cost us upwards of $2000 a month … even though we’re still living without basic furniture like a couch or kitchen table.

or

Option 2

We revisit using a KD with fresh sperm.

We have a wonderful friend who recently came back into my life. I knew him back in Ohio and he lived with us for about a month while he was getting his bearings moving to NYC. After several bottles of wine and amazing sushi we drunkenly asked him if he would consider and he said yes. Of course, I asked hundreds of intrusive/honest questions:

You’ll need to get tested for everything, are you ok with that?

You can’t jack off three days before we do inseminations, do you understand?

You won’t be the father, are you okay with that?

How will your folks feel knowing you’re their only son and they have a”grandchild” they can never see?

Are you really sure you know what you’re saying?

We talked about it. A lot. And even though I went in for an IUI shortly before moving and he wished us luck, he said he was there for us if it didn’t work out. He told us that he loved us as people and didn’t think it would be anyone else’s business but our own, that our child would be our own and that he was happy to be the “Uncle” who took them shopping, came to birthday parties and bat/bar mitzvahs. It’s a kind of amazing arrangement.

Yesterday he sent a group text telling us he was really pumped so it seems like it’s a go, not only for me, but for Leah as well.

It’s not quite how we planned, our friend is black and we’ve had many, many (many many) discussions about how Leah (a white woman) would feel about raising a black child. We’d discussed biracial children, but skimmed over how she would feel mothering a child whose race was not her own, we’d always planned on biracial children for us both.

And after lots of talking we still don’t know. On one hand, we’re lesbian Jews in a multi-racial relationship, what’s one more curve ball. One the other hand, we haven’t thought about the dynamics of race within our family with one black mother, one white mother, one (or more, G-d willing) biracial child she births and one (or more, G-d willing) black child I birth.

Then, of course, I turn over in my own mind my own struggles with race and identity as they play out not only in my mind, but in the Jewish community and the world at large. I also think of my family; my sister gave birth to three beautiful children of three different races, only one of them is “all black” while the other two are mixed race. If I have a black child it feels like I’m helping to, I dunno, extend my family’s heritage rather than whiting it out, pun intended.

Lastly, I wonder about Leah’s parents, could they love a black grandchild as much as they love their white grandchildren?

Any other multiracial Mamas out there? What did you do?