2015 Here We Come!

20141231_140217I have my first appointment at the new RE here in Seattle on January 8th. The receptionist seemed lovely and they used inclusive language when I told them that my partner was a lady.

Tonight I’m making supremely not-kosher, yummy and delicious surf and turf dinner for Leah and I. We plan on enjoying what may be my last sips of wine and champagne and are hopeful that we can get the all clear to start another cycle in January.

I am so incredibly happy for all of you lovely ladies with little buns in your oven and for those of us still waiting.

My heart is incredibly full and your willingness to share your stories; filled with heartaches, miscarriages, failed cycles and even divorce with complete transparency has been incredibly helpful as we went through our own version of hell this year.

Last night I got another birth announcement from a married lesbian couple we know in NYC and just as I felt excitement for the other 4 couples we know who are expecting, I felt the same for them. This journey towards Mamahood is a hard one filled with twists, turns, ups, downs and yes, heartache. But it’s also filled with surprises, blessings, miracles and life.

My prayer for us all is that if we’re still waiting for our babies, that we’re sprinkled with endless amounts of baby dust. Those of you who are cooking, may you have wonderful pregnancies and labors, and to those of us who have decided to try for a baby in other ways; fostering and adoption, that your path to motherhood remain steadfast.

…the herbs can’t hurt either.

IVF, maybe?

Last night, after making an insane amount of really delicious latkes (Happy Hanukkah, everyone!) Leah and I sat down to discuss our TTC options for 2015.

KD-At home inseminations with his sperm (fresh and frozen)

AD-Move to IVF

Confused?

So … we’re thinking of maybe trying at the same time. Which is either a really great idea or a really terrible idea. This is not a new idea, we’ve vaguely talked about it before and always ended at the conclusion that two pregnant women at the same time would be insane. We reasoned that it would be more beneficial for me to try first and for her to start trying when I was in my last trimester so that we could co-nurse and our children would be close in age. But that was two years ago when we weren’t staring 36 in the eye. Okay, we won’t be turning 36 for another 8 months or so, but it’s still there. Just waiting. Age and aging while TTC scares the living begeezus out of us, especially Leah. And I don’t feel like she’s disappointed in me that we haven’t gotten pregnant, I do feel like she really wants to get a shot at it, before it’s “too late”.

I, of course, don’t want to give up hope on my ovaries, eggs and uterus either, so it feels like tandem TTC or either really really closely planned TTC will be in our future.

Leah’s lucky. Her cycle is like clock work. She makes super, easy to identify, abundant CM. I, on the other hand, have only ovulated when stimulated, my left tube is blocked and I have non-cancerous tumors in my uterine lining. When I say it out loud, it seems like maybe it won’t happen for me and I do feel like I should step aside and let her try. And then when that feeling starts to seep itself into my psyche I snap out and proclaim that we have two uteri and we might as well use ’em.

So we’re looking at IVF for me, because we’ve already tried four unsuccessful cycles of IUI. I’m worried because of the cost and because we don’t have insurance.

So, no judgement, but anyone thought of tandem TTC?

Anyone who has done IVF without insurance, how did you pay for it?

It’s funny when I hear people kvetching about how costly children are, and believe me I know that raising kids is expensive. But by Gd, making them is expensive too. It sort of feels selfish of me to put this financial strain on our relationship, but the pull to be a mother and to have a child is too strong.

For Leah, we have found the perfect donor. He’s a friend of mine from Ohio, tall, handsome, smart. He agreed to be a KD for Leah before we moved and since we aren’t insured, it almost feels worth it to fly him out to make donations for us to use for in-home inseminations for her, as well as having frozen goods to use in the future.

So that’s an option. Any thoughts?

Starting Back at Zero

The new year is only a few days away and I’m thankful that, being Jewish, I’m allowed two times to re-set, re-boot, and re-charge.

The New Year is always wrought with expectation. We make plans to better ourselves by eating healthier, exercising more, being more connected with our friends and families. We plan to finish projects we started in the prior year, to start new projects, to be better versions of ourselves and when March comes around and we’ve stopped going to the gym and trade evening yoga to pizza, beer and basketball (hello, March Madness!) All of those plans and expectations disappear and guilt soon follows.

When you’re TTC and the years roll on without a baby for reasons of miscarriage or, in our case moving and lack of insurance, it’s harder to look forward to another year, to make plans for a future with a baby when there’s a slight twinge that like the previous year, it may not happen.

Of course it does.

We have four lesbian friend couples who are having babies and I am thrilled for all of them. Even as I touch my belly swollen from gluten and not because I’m with child. Even as I long. Even as I cry in frustration at what I do not have, I am happy for what they do. Babies who I will hopefully meet when I return to NY for visits, babies that I hope to watch grow on Facebook. And mamas I hope will share their birth stories with me.

So Leah and I (by the way, did ya’ll catch The Red Tent?) are once again re-setting.

We’re debating whether it makes sense to pay out of pocket for insurance to be covered for infertility or if we should try to go forward with IUIs with midwives. We’re reaching back out to those guys who said they’d maybe, probably think about being known donors. We’re looking up new donors and we’re doing all that we can do when the future is unknown-trying to stay hopeful and positive and praying that we’re blessed with a baby in 2015.