I’m going to do a lot of personal sharing on this post. Not to elicit shock or anger or sympathy, not for advice or for critique, but simply for the purpose of sharing. Yet another beauty of blogging under a pen name.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading. So much so I’ve added a library to the blog with the names of the books I’m reading and reflections and thoughts as a review both as a woman TTC and InshAllah/B’ezrat Hashem (with Gd’s help) after I have a child. I’m reading lesbian conception staples; The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth by Kim Toevs and Stephanie Brill and The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians by Rachel Pepper and frankly I’m scared out of my mind that I’m too poor to have a baby.
I don’t make a great deal of money as a non-profit professional and freelance writer. I babysit and teach Hebrew school to supplement my income and for extra cash. While I live in Brooklyn rather than Manhattan, where the rent is more affordable, my bills still mount and most months I barely break even. Sure we have enough to get groceries, enough for transportation and enough to hang out with friends but we’re not living in the lap of luxury. Like most people I know, I have large student loan debt that I’m currently whittling away at. Not to mention those 18 year old credit cards they were handing out on the campus of my university freshman year (still not sure how that was legal).
I left the for-profit sector for non-profit almost three years ago and while it’s been rewarding on a personal level, it’s taken a real toll on my finances. My parents are saints, but they’re not wealthy, though they help when they can. Leah* on the other hand doesn’t have these problems. While she’s a student and working towards an advanced degree and therefore has zero income she has no debt and her folks are well-off. Her bills are easily paid and her bank account doesn’t give her headaches.
I suppose this means that we’re well off and that our bank accounts don’t dip, but we’re not married and we keep separate bank accounts. Our bills and lease are in both our names and I lean on her in times of financial crisis because she’s my partner. So I know that while we traverse this path to mamahood we’ll be fine. Still, I can’t help to worry. I’m 33 years old (if I were 5 years old I proclaim 33 and a half). I have fibroids. I’m “overweight”. I’m not getting any younger. The time is now! I can’t help but wonder, how the fuck are we going to pay for this?