Plan C or is it Plan D?

I have no clue what plan we’re up to and frankly, I’ve decided to stop making plans and just go with the flow, man.

So after the big blow up Leah and I got engaged 🙂 Not right right after, mind you, it was a few weeks or so.

We’ve both got stunner rings on our left ring fingers and while little girly girl in me is dying (dying) for a big, fancy Jewish wedding I know that the money that we’d spend on having a wedding would be better allocated to sperm and a down payment on a house. Who knows, maybe we’ll win the lottery and we can do it all!

We have been once again disappointed to see that our donors are getting snapped up before our eyes and since we’re pushing off insemination yet again because of a possible thyroid problem (found by tracking my BBT) I’ve decided to throw my hands up and say fuck it!

Not in a giving up way, but in a way that acknowledges that as much as we try to control everything, especially as lesbians since our pregnancies aren’t left up to chance. Yet, so much of it is out of our hands. We can try to control it, but our bodies, our lives, our environment have sometimes very different plans. Instead of fighting against it, I’m working on moving with it.

So. 

I’ve set an appointment with a doctor to check out my hypothyroid theory, although I have tons of symptoms-low BBT, itchy skin, low libido (fun), weight gain, insomnia and depression to name a few I’d like to get confirmation. It’s also important to know for sure since thyroid problems can interfere with fertility and pregnancy so I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m making this discovery now as opposed to 2-3 cycles into insemination.

Sigh.

So, that’s where we are. One day at a time.

Sending lots of love, patience and health out into the world to all of you other Mamas TTC!

 

 

Advertisements

Cross Post- Transgender pregnancy: The last frontier in assisted reproductive technology

BY NATALIE STECHYSON, POSTMEDIA NEWS OCTOBER 1, 2013

BROWNSBURG-CHATHAM, QUE. — Eby Heller and Jenna Jacobs walked hand-in-hand on the path beside their red chicken barn, Heller’s beach ball belly pushing tight against her winter coat as the couple grinned with anticipation of the upcoming birth of their first child.

They walked hand-in-hand, too, just over a year earlier, Heller bent over in pain, Jacobs’ face twisted with dismay, as they exited a Montreal fertility clinic after another failed attempt to impregnate Heller with Jacobs’ sperm.

Jacobs, a transgender woman, was born with a male body. She met Heller, who identifies as bisexual, at a yoga class in Montreal in 2010. They moved in together almost immediately and then became business partners, opening a co-operative vegetable farm in rural Quebec. Soon, they started trying for a baby using sperm Jacobs had stored before she started her transition.

It took nine rounds of intrauterine insemination for Heller to become pregnant. The first four experiences at a Montreal fertility clinic had been quick and impersonal. But their fifth try was worse than usual. The doctor rushed in, never said hello or gave his name, never looked at the women. He asked “insemination?” and they said “yes.” He was quick and rough, Heller recalled, and she bled afterward, something she’d never experienced. He left the lamp on between her legs as he rushed out of the room, they say.

“We left that day and I was just a wreck. I mean, I felt abused. And so frustrated, because it felt like I was so dependent on these people to have the life that I wanted to have,” Heller recalled.

“It felt like, ‘It’s not my fault that I need to come here. I don’t want to come here. Why are you treating me like this?’ ”

Photograph by Christinne Muschi, Christinne Muschi/National Post

 

Continue reading

Down The Rabbit Hole

down_the_rabbit_hole4This morning went a bit like this

Leah declared, “What the eff, let’s pay to see these donors!”

I made a sort of Yippee! sound

We clicked on our favorite, the CMV- guy who’s athletic and smart and driven and likes to fish

We listened to his long profile and liked him more.

We click through his baby photos and coo over his chubby cheeeks, his golden complexion and curly head of hair visualizing our own little baby.

We went back to his profile to discover that he’s sold out.

I am immediately depressed and irrationally mad at Leah because I’ve been doing all the “work”, I’ve been making the spreadsheets and sifting through every sperm bank that delivers sperm to the USA to tease out the minuscule amount of biracial donors. She’s been putting off nailing down a donor, she’s been complacent in the process, she doesn’t care and to top it all off I’m fairly certain now that I am, without a doubt, not ovulating and that maybe, just maybe, we’re not meant to be parents.

I say these things to her and then storm out of the apartment.

I came back and she’s not here.

I don’t, of course, mean these things and I know she’s just as invested as I am, but as she optimistically starts the process of sifting through donors who are biracial, CMV-, smart with little to no health issues similar to our own familial health issues I can’t help but be angry. I already did all of that and the fact that she thinks that she’ll get farther than I have, when I spend every extra hour in the day hoping there’s a new donor I can’t help my anger.

When I talked to my Mom she said “everything happens for a reason.” and I almost threw my phone across the house.

She (my Mom) says we still have time and I want to scream at her-When she was my age she’s already had both my sister and I and we were already in 2nd grade.

She says it’s not an issue until I’m 36 and we’ve not gotten pregnant. I reminder her that it’s almost my birthday, which means she’s given me a year to do the seemingly impossible  since we have no sperm and I have no eggs.

She tells me to calm down and I hang up on her.

So now I’m in my house with our cats waiting for Leah to come home.