We came, We tried (again), We’re still not Pregnant

A brief synopsis:

I’ve been planning to quit my job to focus on refreshing my doula skills and work for my friends as their nanny for some time. I’ve been eyeing a college to be a KD for Leah; he’s handsome, smart, fertile, kind of a perfect ten. We always said that after some time I’d pass the torch to Leah to try since she really wants to carry as well. So it was kinda perfect.

Except he and his partner decided to move to California … around the same time I put in my notice aka the end of insurance.

So we both inseminated.

Leah with the KD two Fridays ago at home and me the following day, triggered, but no Femera (new RE)

We TWWed together giggle about the possibility of both being pregnant. We compared TWW symptoms and yesterday we discovered that neither of us are pregnant. Double the BFN + Double PMS = no fun zone.

I was holding out hope that I tested too early, like when I got my BFP, but three tests later, CD 28, 13 DPO I think I’m done.

Like, done done.

The first try after the miscarriage, I dunno, for some reason I thought I’d get thrown a bone. I thought I’d get a break, Gd would have some mercy and we’d get to be moms. I didn’t think it would be as hard, but it’s so devastating to know that we’re still motherless women.

I told Leah through tears that I felt like my body was broken and that I was really done this time. I don’t want to try to get pregnant any more, at least not for a long while. For almost 2 years I’ve been on this journey and I’m 95% sure I’m ready to pass the baton to her. It’s hard because we have a KD lined up for me who’s ready, willing and able but without insurance for monitoring (although I produced 3 follicles all on my own this cycle) and my body’s inability to ovulate on it’s own or to carry a full luteal phase without progesterone, it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the further headaches and disappointment. I’m at the place of feeling completely hopeless …

I’ll be 36 in a few weeks and it’s scary to think that I’m going to be willing to wait until I’m 37 to try again, but I just don’t think I have the strength to do it. Who knows, tomorrow I may think differently. Okay, probably not tomorrow.

Just Add Prayers

Tehillim is the Hebrew name for the Psalms.

A good friend of mine, an Orthodox Jewish woman with a beautiful baby girl who just celebrated her first birthday, sent me Tehillim 102 and 103 with a reminder that it’s all in Hashem’s (G-d) hands. She, like me, went through almost a year of fertility woes and watched as our mutual friend “accidentally” got pregnant and others who were planning it did so easily. She has been one of my most consistent friends in this journey towards motherhood, and while my other friends who have been blessed with their children are now consumed with early motherhood, she always finds the time to ask me how I’m doing and to remind me that I’m still in her prayers.

So it can’t hurt to add one more ingredient to this crazy, tiring, expensive, exhausting, heart-wrenching, devastating TTC journey, right?
1A prayer for a poor man when he enwraps himself and pours out his speech before the Lord. אתְּפִלָּה לְעָנִי כִי יַעֲטֹף וְלִפְנֵי יְהֹוָה יִשְׁפֹּךְ שִׂיחוֹ:
2O Lord, hearken to my prayer, and may my cry come to You. ביְהֹוָה שִׁמְעָה תְפִלָּתִי וְשַׁוְעָתִי אֵלֶיךָ תָבוֹא:
3Do not hide Your countenance from me; on the day of my distress extend Your ear to me; on the day I call, answer me quickly. גאַל תַּסְתֵּר פָּנֶיךָ | מִמֶּנִּי בְּיוֹם צַר לִי הַטֵּה אֵלַי אָזְנֶךָ בְּיוֹם אֶקְרָא מַהֵר עֲנֵנִי:
4For my days have ended in smoke, and as a hearth my bones are dried up. דכִּי כָלוּ בְעָשָׁן יָמָי וְעַצְמוֹתַי כְּמוֹקֵד נִחָרוּ:
5Beaten like grass and withered is my heart, for I have forgotten to eat my bread. ההוּכָּה כָעֵשֶׂב וַיִּבַשׁ לִבִּי כִּי שָׁכַחְתִּי מֵאֲכֹל לַחְמִי:
6From the sound of my sigh my bones clung to my flesh. ומִקּוֹל אַנְחָתִי דָּבְקָה עַצְמִי לִבְשָׂרִי:
7I was like a bird of the wilderness; I was like an owl of the wasteland. זדָּמִיתִי לִקְאַת מִדְבָּר הָיִיתִי כְּכוֹס חֳרָבוֹת:
8I pondered, and I am like a lonely bird on a roof. חשָׁקַדְתִּי וָאֶהְיֶה כְּצִפּוֹר בּוֹדֵד עַל גָּג:
9All day long my enemies revile me; those who scorn me swear by me. טכָּל הַיּוֹם חֵרְפוּנִי אוֹיְבָי מְהוֹלָלַי בִּי נִשְׁבָּעוּ:
10For ashes I ate like bread, and my drinks I mixed with weeping. יכִּי אֵפֶר כַּלֶּחֶם אָכָלְתִּי וְשִׁקֻּוַי בִּבְכִי מָסָכְתִּי:
11Because of Your fury and Your anger, for You picked me up and cast me down. יאמִפְּנֵי זַעַמְךָ וְקִצְפֶּךָ כִּי נְשָׂאתַנִי וַתַּשְׁלִיכֵנִי:
12My days are like a lengthening shadow, and I dry out like grass. יביָמַי כְּצֵל נָטוּי וַאֲנִי כָּעֵשֶׂב אִיבָשׁ:
13But You, O Lord, will be enthroned forever, and Your mention is to all generations. יגוְאַתָּה יְהֹוָה לְעוֹלָם תֵּשֵׁב וְזִכְרְךָ לְדֹר וָדֹר:
14You will rise, You will have mercy on Zion for there is a time to favor it, for the appointed season has arrived. ידאַתָּה תָקוּם תְּרַחֵם צִיּוֹן כִּי עֵת לְחֶנְנָהּ כִּי בָא מוֹעֵד:
15For Your servants desired its stones and favored its dust. טוכִּי רָצוּ עֲבָדֶיךָ אֶת אֲבָנֶיהָ וְאֶת עֲפָרָהּ יְחֹנֵנוּ:
16And the nations will fear the name of the Lord, and all the kings of the earth Your glory. טזוְיִירְאוּ גוֹיִם אֶת שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וְכָל מַלְכֵי הָאָרֶץ אֶת כְּבוֹדֶךָ:
17For the Lord has built up Zion; He has appeared in His glory. יזכִּי בָנָה יְהֹוָה צִיּוֹן נִרְאָה בִּכְבוֹדוֹ:
18He has turned to the prayer of those who cried out, and He did not despise their prayer. יחפָּנָה אֶל תְּפִלַּת הָעַרְעָר וְלֹא בָזָה אֶת תְּפִלָּתָם:
19Let this be inscribed for the latest generation, and a [newly] created people will praise Yah. יטתִּכָּתֶב זֹאת לְדוֹר אַחֲרוֹן וְעַם נִבְרָא יְהַלֶּל יָהּ:
20For He has looked down from His holy height; the Lord looked from heaven to earth, ככִּי הִשְׁקִיף מִמְּרוֹם קָדְשׁוֹ יְהֹוָה מִשָּׁמַיִם | אֶל אֶרֶץ הִבִּיט:
21To hear the cry of the prisoner, to loose the sons of the dying nation; כאלִשְׁמֹעַ אֶנְקַת אָסִיר לְפַתֵּחַ בְּנֵי תְמוּתָה:
22To proclaim in Zion the name of the Lord and His praise in Jerusalem. כבלְסַפֵּר בְּצִיּוֹן שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וּתְהִלָּתוֹ בִּירוּשָׁלִָם:
23When peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to serve the Lord. כגבְּהִקָּבֵץ עַמִּים יַחְדָּו וּמַמְלָכוֹת לַעֲבֹד אֶת יְהֹוָה:
24He has afflicted my strength on the way; He has shortened my days. כדעִנָּה בַדֶּרֶךְ כֹּחִי (כתיב כֹּחִו) קִצַּר יָמָי:
25I say, “My God, do not take me away in the middle of my days, You Whose years endure throughout all generations. כהאֹמַר אֵלִי אַל תַּעֲלֵנִי בַּחֲצִי יָמָי בְּדוֹר דּוֹרִים שְׁנוֹתֶיךָ:
26In the beginning You founded the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. כולְפָנִים הָאָרֶץ יָסַדְתָּ וּמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֶיךָ שָׁמָיִם:
27They will perish but You will endure, and all of them will rot away like a garment; like raiment You will turn them over and they will pass away. כזהֵמָּה | יֹאבֵדוּ וְאַתָּה תַעֲמֹד וְכֻלָּם כַּבֶּגֶד יִבְלוּ כַּלְּבוּשׁ תַּחֲלִיפֵם וְיַחֲלֹפוּ:
28But You are He, and Your years will not end. כחוְאַתָּה הוּא וּשְׁנוֹתֶיךָ לֹא יִתָּמּוּ:
29The children of Your servants will dwell, and their seed will be established before You.” כטבְּנֵי עֲבָדֶיךָ יִשְׁכֹּנוּ וְזַרְעָם לְפָנֶיךָ יִכּוֹן: