Where We Stand Now

A few weeks ago WordPress told me that I’ve been blogging here for one year. It was not the kind of anniversary I wanted to remember. As lesbians we’re aware that our journey to mamahood is filled with bumps, twists and turns. The path is never straight (no pun intended) and how and when we get to our destination is unclear. Some of us get there quickly and some of us get there in a year or two or three. While still some of us never reach our destinations in the way that we’d hoped.

Since my sister died and I lost my job and tried to find a job while supporting my fiance in the completion of her dissertation (she’s Dr. Fiance now!) I’ve not done a great job of taking care of myself. I’ve eaten my grief and stress and when I took my first run (we signed up for the NY Pride Run) I upset an old foot injury.

Thank Gd, I’m employed now, with a good salary and good insurance that starts on June 1st so we’re still on track for the polyp removal surgery and probably another HSG, but I’m feeling an extreme amount of guilt for not taking better care of my body in these months of our break.

Like a lot of women I have a storied history with food; in my teenage years I was naturally thin and fit into size 0 without trying. When I gained the freshman fifteen in college and girls around me deprived themselves of food I tried it too. I’d click through pro-anorexia links and “ate” warm water for a semester or two before giving into my body (and need for food) and tipped the scales all the way to a size 16. Today I hover between a 12 and a 14, but according to BMI and my doctor I’m on the verge of obesity.

But you know what? I don’t care. I know dropping a few pounds would help us out, but I really don’t care. My sister is dead and that still hurts every day. It still hurts to talk to her boys, to see their mirror image faces of their mother. Yesterday my mother called bawling and wailing, “my daughter is dead!” over and over and I felt guilt that I’m so far away from my family when they’re still in so much pain.

So I eat yummy yummy things (and drink yummy yummy wine.)

I’ve started tracking my steps daily and have been averaging about 750 burned calories burned simply doing my job. One of the reasons I like retail management is that I get to “work out” while getting paid. This week we’ve been eating fairly healthy meals and once I get the ok from the doctor about my foot I’ll be back to training for our run. All of this and I still feel a bit of guilt and a twinge of worry that it won’t happen for me right now.

So I asked Leah if she wanted to try first. She just finished the Brooklyn Half Marathon, bikes to work and is in much better shape than I. So maybe it’s not my time. Maybe she should try first.

It’s what we talk about every night these days. Do we try together. Does she try first and I take a year to get myself in a happy place again?

Perhaps a more pleasant detour is in the future.




Happy Mother’s Day to Mother’s In Waiting

… and women who will never be mothers either by choice or because they simply cannot be.

Mother’s Day is an interesting day for me as a woman going through the TTC process. Through this journey I’ve met women who’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on IUI and IVF. Women who have been through multiple miscarriages and as a result multiple D&Cs. I’ve met women who have given birth to children just to lose them a day, month, year or five years later. And, of course, I’ve met women who are celebrating their first mother’s day today.

To all of the women out there who are waiting to become mothers, who are mothers to children they have lost, to mothers who have their babes in their arms, I hope you have a lovely day filled with all of the sweetness you deserve.