Where We Are Now

Hey Bloggers,

So many of you are Mamas now, and I send you so much love and mazels on your new additions!

Leah and I are trucking along. We’ve had a lot of relationship issues to iron out after the miscarriage. We’re working hard on reconnecting and have started to get back in the saddle of TTC.

There are more things to say, but the reason I decided to write again is because of TheBump.com and it’s unnecessary and sad reminder of my pregnancy loss. Leah and I bickered today about the car. We only have one and she’s been riding to work on her bike on nice days. Since today starts my “weekend” I was looking forward to having the car, but she’d run about 7 miles yesterday and was feeling sore. In the end, I have the car, but felt yucky and selfish for getting it. We said goodbye stiffly and I drifted back to sleep before needing to be awake for a follicle check at 8:50AM.

Then a buzz from my phone, “Erika! You’re 25 weeks pregnant today!”

Um, no, Bump.com, I’m not. As I told you MONTHS ago when I requested that you, again STOP bombarding me with emails about my pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. It was frustrating and a sad reminder that our journey continues.

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Just Add Prayers

Tehillim is the Hebrew name for the Psalms.

A good friend of mine, an Orthodox Jewish woman with a beautiful baby girl who just celebrated her first birthday, sent me Tehillim 102 and 103 with a reminder that it’s all in Hashem’s (G-d) hands. She, like me, went through almost a year of fertility woes and watched as our mutual friend “accidentally” got pregnant and others who were planning it did so easily. She has been one of my most consistent friends in this journey towards motherhood, and while my other friends who have been blessed with their children are now consumed with early motherhood, she always finds the time to ask me how I’m doing and to remind me that I’m still in her prayers.

So it can’t hurt to add one more ingredient to this crazy, tiring, expensive, exhausting, heart-wrenching, devastating TTC journey, right?
1A prayer for a poor man when he enwraps himself and pours out his speech before the Lord. אתְּפִלָּה לְעָנִי כִי יַעֲטֹף וְלִפְנֵי יְהֹוָה יִשְׁפֹּךְ שִׂיחוֹ:
2O Lord, hearken to my prayer, and may my cry come to You. ביְהֹוָה שִׁמְעָה תְפִלָּתִי וְשַׁוְעָתִי אֵלֶיךָ תָבוֹא:
3Do not hide Your countenance from me; on the day of my distress extend Your ear to me; on the day I call, answer me quickly. גאַל תַּסְתֵּר פָּנֶיךָ | מִמֶּנִּי בְּיוֹם צַר לִי הַטֵּה אֵלַי אָזְנֶךָ בְּיוֹם אֶקְרָא מַהֵר עֲנֵנִי:
4For my days have ended in smoke, and as a hearth my bones are dried up. דכִּי כָלוּ בְעָשָׁן יָמָי וְעַצְמוֹתַי כְּמוֹקֵד נִחָרוּ:
5Beaten like grass and withered is my heart, for I have forgotten to eat my bread. ההוּכָּה כָעֵשֶׂב וַיִּבַשׁ לִבִּי כִּי שָׁכַחְתִּי מֵאֲכֹל לַחְמִי:
6From the sound of my sigh my bones clung to my flesh. ומִקּוֹל אַנְחָתִי דָּבְקָה עַצְמִי לִבְשָׂרִי:
7I was like a bird of the wilderness; I was like an owl of the wasteland. זדָּמִיתִי לִקְאַת מִדְבָּר הָיִיתִי כְּכוֹס חֳרָבוֹת:
8I pondered, and I am like a lonely bird on a roof. חשָׁקַדְתִּי וָאֶהְיֶה כְּצִפּוֹר בּוֹדֵד עַל גָּג:
9All day long my enemies revile me; those who scorn me swear by me. טכָּל הַיּוֹם חֵרְפוּנִי אוֹיְבָי מְהוֹלָלַי בִּי נִשְׁבָּעוּ:
10For ashes I ate like bread, and my drinks I mixed with weeping. יכִּי אֵפֶר כַּלֶּחֶם אָכָלְתִּי וְשִׁקֻּוַי בִּבְכִי מָסָכְתִּי:
11Because of Your fury and Your anger, for You picked me up and cast me down. יאמִפְּנֵי זַעַמְךָ וְקִצְפֶּךָ כִּי נְשָׂאתַנִי וַתַּשְׁלִיכֵנִי:
12My days are like a lengthening shadow, and I dry out like grass. יביָמַי כְּצֵל נָטוּי וַאֲנִי כָּעֵשֶׂב אִיבָשׁ:
13But You, O Lord, will be enthroned forever, and Your mention is to all generations. יגוְאַתָּה יְהֹוָה לְעוֹלָם תֵּשֵׁב וְזִכְרְךָ לְדֹר וָדֹר:
14You will rise, You will have mercy on Zion for there is a time to favor it, for the appointed season has arrived. ידאַתָּה תָקוּם תְּרַחֵם צִיּוֹן כִּי עֵת לְחֶנְנָהּ כִּי בָא מוֹעֵד:
15For Your servants desired its stones and favored its dust. טוכִּי רָצוּ עֲבָדֶיךָ אֶת אֲבָנֶיהָ וְאֶת עֲפָרָהּ יְחֹנֵנוּ:
16And the nations will fear the name of the Lord, and all the kings of the earth Your glory. טזוְיִירְאוּ גוֹיִם אֶת שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וְכָל מַלְכֵי הָאָרֶץ אֶת כְּבוֹדֶךָ:
17For the Lord has built up Zion; He has appeared in His glory. יזכִּי בָנָה יְהֹוָה צִיּוֹן נִרְאָה בִּכְבוֹדוֹ:
18He has turned to the prayer of those who cried out, and He did not despise their prayer. יחפָּנָה אֶל תְּפִלַּת הָעַרְעָר וְלֹא בָזָה אֶת תְּפִלָּתָם:
19Let this be inscribed for the latest generation, and a [newly] created people will praise Yah. יטתִּכָּתֶב זֹאת לְדוֹר אַחֲרוֹן וְעַם נִבְרָא יְהַלֶּל יָהּ:
20For He has looked down from His holy height; the Lord looked from heaven to earth, ככִּי הִשְׁקִיף מִמְּרוֹם קָדְשׁוֹ יְהֹוָה מִשָּׁמַיִם | אֶל אֶרֶץ הִבִּיט:
21To hear the cry of the prisoner, to loose the sons of the dying nation; כאלִשְׁמֹעַ אֶנְקַת אָסִיר לְפַתֵּחַ בְּנֵי תְמוּתָה:
22To proclaim in Zion the name of the Lord and His praise in Jerusalem. כבלְסַפֵּר בְּצִיּוֹן שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וּתְהִלָּתוֹ בִּירוּשָׁלִָם:
23When peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to serve the Lord. כגבְּהִקָּבֵץ עַמִּים יַחְדָּו וּמַמְלָכוֹת לַעֲבֹד אֶת יְהֹוָה:
24He has afflicted my strength on the way; He has shortened my days. כדעִנָּה בַדֶּרֶךְ כֹּחִי (כתיב כֹּחִו) קִצַּר יָמָי:
25I say, “My God, do not take me away in the middle of my days, You Whose years endure throughout all generations. כהאֹמַר אֵלִי אַל תַּעֲלֵנִי בַּחֲצִי יָמָי בְּדוֹר דּוֹרִים שְׁנוֹתֶיךָ:
26In the beginning You founded the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. כולְפָנִים הָאָרֶץ יָסַדְתָּ וּמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֶיךָ שָׁמָיִם:
27They will perish but You will endure, and all of them will rot away like a garment; like raiment You will turn them over and they will pass away. כזהֵמָּה | יֹאבֵדוּ וְאַתָּה תַעֲמֹד וְכֻלָּם כַּבֶּגֶד יִבְלוּ כַּלְּבוּשׁ תַּחֲלִיפֵם וְיַחֲלֹפוּ:
28But You are He, and Your years will not end. כחוְאַתָּה הוּא וּשְׁנוֹתֶיךָ לֹא יִתָּמּוּ:
29The children of Your servants will dwell, and their seed will be established before You.” כטבְּנֵי עֲבָדֶיךָ יִשְׁכֹּנוּ וְזַרְעָם לְפָנֶיךָ יִכּוֹן:

6 DPO

chart-dpo-6-150203Does anyone know of a LGBTQ Friendly TTC Site or App? I’m really annoyed that most don’t have “insemination” and that all have “intercourse”.

I’m sure there are some techy queers out there that can do this, no?

Anyway. Another day another chart and again I’m not really analyzing symptoms all that much. Though, it would seem that I have fallen prey to the infamous TWW Internet black hole of information, TTC groups, Mommy boards, etc.

The only things jumping off the charts for me are the same as they were yesterday: Exhaustion, a bit of cramping and gas, but a new one on this chart verses last one (unless I didn’t see it) is vivid dreams. So many crazy, vivid dreams in the past few days.

We have another 6 Days to go before we can test because of the trigger. Here’s hoping they float by like these have!

Prayer for Insemination from RitualWell

Today is the day! Leah and I are feeling really good about today’s insemination. She wasn’t able to take off work, but will be calling me around 930 for my appointment.

I love the ritual below from Ritualwell. Along with some visualization and relaxation techniques and love and prayers from friends and family and all of ya’ll I’m really hopeful that this cycle is the “one”.

Catch you on the flip side!

From Ritualwell

By Rabbi Diane Cohen | Prayer

Prayers to be said before a procedure

Out of the depths we call you, Adonai. Adonai, listen to our cry. (Ps. 13-:1-2)

Adonai, is our light and our help, Whom shall we fear? (Ps. 27:1)

As a deer longs for flowing streams We long for You, O God.

Our souls thirst for God, the living God. Day and night tears are our nourishment

How downcast our souls in despair. Still we hope in God;

We will yet praise God, Our ever present help, our God. (Ps. 42:2-4,12)

You will yet turn our lament into dancing, Our sackcloth to satin, our tears to joy. (Ps. 30:12)

We seek refuge in You, O God; May we never be disappointed.

Into Your hands we entrust our spirits. (Ps. 31:2,6)

Verses to be said upon insemination

And God said: Let the waters swarm with all sorts of swarming things, that beat with the pulse of life. And God blessed them and said: Be fertile and grow and fill the waters with life. (Gen. 1:20,22)

You shall be like a watered garden, like a spring whose waters do not fail. (Isa. 58:11)

Let justice flow like a mighty stream, and righteousness like a raging river. (Amos 5:24)

God is bringing you to a good land, a land with streams and springs and fountains issuing from the plain and hill. (Deut. 8:7) Amen. And so let it be for me.

Verses to be recited upon arising from a procedure

Arise, arise, stand up, Jerusalem, for you have been nourished by the hand of the Lord

Awake, awake Zion, clothe yourself in your robes of strength

Put on the garments that tell of your glory. (Isa. 51:17;52:1)

For it is I, truly I, who come to comfort you.

HSGAAAAAWWWWWWDDDDDD!!!!

Seriously.

OMG.

THE WORST.

The first HSG I had was uncomfortable bordering on painful, but it was tolerable.

Today was nothing like that. Today was out of this world insane. So insane my blood pressure dropped, my heart rate dropped and I almost fainted.

Thanks to some juice my blood pressure went back to normal, but holy crap that was no fun.

Wednesday is my ultrasound to see how the follies are growing and hopefully we’ll be inseminating this weekend.

PBD Stalking

PBD-Potential Baby Daddy: A guy who obviously won’t be a “daddy” because we’re dykes, but who non-the-less, you find attractive enough to consider as a potential donor.

Stalking-As it relates the the aforementioned PBD, an unhealthy and slightly fanatic infatuation with a man who you find attractive enough to be your potential donor.

I have a crush. On a man. For the first time in over ten years.

Of course, this crush has nothing to do with a sexual attraction. I don’t imagine him naked, I don’t imagine much of anything about him other than what our combined genetics might do. He’s tall, dark and not really conventionally handsome, but his dark skin, large brown eyes and mop of curly brown hair are what I find attractive. We work together, or more accurately, he works for me which makes any sort of pursing of this PBD completely off limits.

Yet, because we are in a bit of TTC limbo trying to figure out if we’re going to use an RE and pay out of pocket or if we’re going to use a Midwife and do IUIs at home it gives me time to see what’s out there, quite literally.

We’ve been in Seattle for exactly one month and in that time we’ve done what most people new to a city do; we’re trying to get our bearings, we’re learning where to shop for groceries, we’re figuring out where the best coffee shops are, we’re trying to furnish our apartment. Making a baby has, without a doubt, taken a slight back seat. And if I’m being honest, it’s kind of a relief.  We’re not yo-yoing between the TWW and inseminations, my bouts of crying are to do with the move and not to do with doubting my body. While I’ve added some of my favorite vices back to my diet; specifically wine and coffee, I have lost a dress size which will hopefully help with the baby making process.

So we wait, I guess. We haven’t found an RE or midwife, and because of my schedule and Leah’s commute I’m actually not sure when we’d have time to even meet with one. As much as it makes me a bit sad, I think that getting settled into our new home and our new city will be best for TTC.

Yay, Aunt Flo!

So after a day of spotting and two days of period cramps without bleeding I finally got my period today!
It’s strange that over a year ago I posted about being excited about my period. When we’re TTC getting AF is definitely not something we look forward to. But, knowing that the surgery went well, that my body is “working” getting AF is not a disappointment, but rather confirmation that we’re staring our TTC journey anew.

We’re still not covered by insurance, but since we were recently gifted left over sperm vials from some of our friends who got their BFP we’re saving on cost for this cycle. We also discovered that the clinic we’re storing our specimens does IUI and monitoring. Since they don’t take insurance it’s all out of pocket, but their costs are about the same as a midwife, and they’re either not getting back to us or booked for months.

We thought about just doing AI, and who knows we may, but for now it feels good that we can keep up with IUI, and at a fraction of the cost.

2 YEAR Wait??

I don’t even know what to say.

I spoke with a representative at the insurance carrier for my new employer to try to figure out which insurance plan had the best coverage (since my last organization’s coverage was so poor). As the rep told me all of the perks; IVF covered, IUI covered, surrogacy service covered I got excited. On top of all of that, less than $300 per month for both Leah and I! …

“Oh.  Hmm. Gimme a second please,” the rep said before putting me on hold

Terrible hold music

One minute

Two minutes

Five minutes

“Rachel, it looks like your employer has a two year wait before fertility coverage is eligible.”

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Is this even legal?

One Ticket to Crazy Town

So, in the last few days I have been having really weird dreams about my other dyke friends who are also TTC.

In one dream a couple invites all of us to their home for Sunday brunch. We immediately notice that the partner who is carrying isn’t drinking (nothing out of the ordinary when you’re TCC) but then, as the last couple comes in she comes to the center of the room and announces that they are 4 months pregnant. She pulls up her sweater to reveal the teeniest, most enviable baby bump.

I exchange pained glances with the other friend in our group who has also gone through many surgeries and heartache like we have and we both go for more drinks in the kitchen. We have a quick pow-wow and admit to one another that we’re super pissed that they got pregnant on their first try before returning to the living room to parrot the congratulations going around the room.

In the second dream I’m banging my last ex boyfriend for his sperm as his current girlfriend and my girlfriend look on. It’s not an orgy, they’re just watching.

No, I’m not on any fertility drugs and yes, what the eff?

Anyone else having crazy baby dreams? Or feeling really jealous/worried that their friends who are also TTC are going to get pregnant before them?