We came, We tried (again), We’re still not Pregnant

A brief synopsis:

I’ve been planning to quit my job to focus on refreshing my doula skills and work for my friends as their nanny for some time. I’ve been eyeing a college to be a KD for Leah; he’s handsome, smart, fertile, kind of a perfect ten. We always said that after some time I’d pass the torch to Leah to try since she really wants to carry as well. So it was kinda perfect.

Except he and his partner decided to move to California … around the same time I put in my notice aka the end of insurance.

So we both inseminated.

Leah with the KD two Fridays ago at home and me the following day, triggered, but no Femera (new RE)

We TWWed together giggle about the possibility of both being pregnant. We compared TWW symptoms and yesterday we discovered that neither of us are pregnant. Double the BFN + Double PMS = no fun zone.

I was holding out hope that I tested too early, like when I got my BFP, but three tests later, CD 28, 13 DPO I think I’m done.

Like, done done.

The first try after the miscarriage, I dunno, for some reason I thought I’d get thrown a bone. I thought I’d get a break, Gd would have some mercy and we’d get to be moms. I didn’t think it would be as hard, but it’s so devastating to know that we’re still motherless women.

I told Leah through tears that I felt like my body was broken and that I was really done this time. I don’t want to try to get pregnant any more, at least not for a long while. For almost 2 years I’ve been on this journey and I’m 95% sure I’m ready to pass the baton to her. It’s hard because we have a KD lined up for me who’s ready, willing and able but without insurance for monitoring (although I produced 3 follicles all on my own this cycle) and my body’s inability to ovulate on it’s own or to carry a full luteal phase without progesterone, it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the further headaches and disappointment. I’m at the place of feeling completely hopeless …

I’ll be 36 in a few weeks and it’s scary to think that I’m going to be willing to wait until I’m 37 to try again, but I just don’t think I have the strength to do it. Who knows, tomorrow I may think differently. Okay, probably not tomorrow.

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Where We Are Now

Hey Bloggers,

So many of you are Mamas now, and I send you so much love and mazels on your new additions!

Leah and I are trucking along. We’ve had a lot of relationship issues to iron out after the miscarriage. We’re working hard on reconnecting and have started to get back in the saddle of TTC.

There are more things to say, but the reason I decided to write again is because of TheBump.com and it’s unnecessary and sad reminder of my pregnancy loss. Leah and I bickered today about the car. We only have one and she’s been riding to work on her bike on nice days. Since today starts my “weekend” I was looking forward to having the car, but she’d run about 7 miles yesterday and was feeling sore. In the end, I have the car, but felt yucky and selfish for getting it. We said goodbye stiffly and I drifted back to sleep before needing to be awake for a follicle check at 8:50AM.

Then a buzz from my phone, “Erika! You’re 25 weeks pregnant today!”

Um, no, Bump.com, I’m not. As I told you MONTHS ago when I requested that you, again STOP bombarding me with emails about my pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. It was frustrating and a sad reminder that our journey continues.