Where We Are Now

Hey Bloggers,

So many of you are Mamas now, and I send you so much love and mazels on your new additions!

Leah and I are trucking along. We’ve had a lot of relationship issues to iron out after the miscarriage. We’re working hard on reconnecting and have started to get back in the saddle of TTC.

There are more things to say, but the reason I decided to write again is because of TheBump.com and it’s unnecessary and sad reminder of my pregnancy loss. Leah and I bickered today about the car. We only have one and she’s been riding to work on her bike on nice days. Since today starts my “weekend” I was looking forward to having the car, but she’d run about 7 miles yesterday and was feeling sore. In the end, I have the car, but felt yucky and selfish for getting it. We said goodbye stiffly and I drifted back to sleep before needing to be awake for a follicle check at 8:50AM.

Then a buzz from my phone, “Erika! You’re 25 weeks pregnant today!”

Um, no, Bump.com, I’m not. As I told you MONTHS ago when I requested that you, again STOP bombarding me with emails about my pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. It was frustrating and a sad reminder that our journey continues.

I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

After a miscarriage the pregnancy hormone, HSG, can stay in your body for up to a month. A month that, for me, meant morning sickness, sore/sensitive breasts and nipples, frequent urination, fullness in my stomach-all of the joys of the first trimester of pregnancy.

The first trimester came and went and now I’m officially no longer pregnant.

Tonight, in a friend’s house, a friend who has a beautiful baby girl, I took a pregnancy test and only got one line. And because we’re in a weird phase of the TTC cycle I didn’t feel upset that we weren’t pregnant, I felt relief that I wasn’t any more.

For over a month I went through the miscarriage process. 2 D&Cs, 3 rounds of mispopristil (sp), acupuncture sessions and herbs all trying to expel the lifeless fetus from my body. For over a month I isolated myself. For over a month I wondered if my relationship was over (Leah did not handle the miscarriage well at all-and that is the understatement of the century). For over a month I wondered where I would live, how I would survive. I thought about death, my own. I thought about life, the one that was lost. For over a month I laid in bed, I wept, I starved. For over a month I spoke to no one.

And through it all, some how, mostly guided by a trip to NYC that was planned months before we knew we were pregnant, I have found myself again. I am laughing. I smile easily. I enjoy the company of other people. I feel alive again. I feel like myself again.

I have on new glasses, they’re crystal clear replacements of the rose-colored glasses I wore through this TTC process. They are glasses that know that I may not get pregnant (some women don’t). They are glasses that know that I may miscarriage again. They are glasses that know that whatever happens, I will be ready.