I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

After a miscarriage the pregnancy hormone, HSG, can stay in your body for up to a month. A month that, for me, meant morning sickness, sore/sensitive breasts and nipples, frequent urination, fullness in my stomach-all of the joys of the first trimester of pregnancy.

The first trimester came and went and now I’m officially no longer pregnant.

Tonight, in a friend’s house, a friend who has a beautiful baby girl, I took a pregnancy test and only got one line. And because we’re in a weird phase of the TTC cycle I didn’t feel upset that we weren’t pregnant, I felt relief that I wasn’t any more.

For over a month I went through the miscarriage process. 2 D&Cs, 3 rounds of mispopristil (sp), acupuncture sessions and herbs all trying to expel the lifeless fetus from my body. For over a month I isolated myself. For over a month I wondered if my relationship was over (Leah did not handle the miscarriage well at all-and that is the understatement of the century). For over a month I wondered where I would live, how I would survive. I thought about death, my own. I thought about life, the one that was lost. For over a month I laid in bed, I wept, I starved. For over a month I spoke to no one.

And through it all, some how, mostly guided by a trip to NYC that was planned months before we knew we were pregnant, I have found myself again. I am laughing. I smile easily. I enjoy the company of other people. I feel alive again. I feel like myself again.

I have on new glasses, they’re crystal clear replacements of the rose-colored glasses I wore through this TTC process. They are glasses that know that I may not get pregnant (some women don’t). They are glasses that know that I may miscarriage again. They are glasses that know that whatever happens, I will be ready.

Next Step, Surgery

Good l-rd, TTC is incredibly trying.

Frustrated with TWW, I decided to bite the bullet and do a home pregnancy test. I knew the trigger shot should be out of my system and I’d much rather know if we weren’t pregnant to start making plans about the next few cycles and truthfully, I have no clue what we’re going to do.

I tested negative and we have a few things to consider:

1-My last day of work is tomorrow which means I will not only have no jobs, I’ll have no insurance.

2-While I have two really good job prospects, I don’t have any offers on the table.

3-Leah and I could get married so that I can go on her insurance, but I’m worried that my infertility will be a pre-existing condition

4-We’ll most likely have to wait a cycle out for surgery to remove the polyp

5-Maybe we should just…wait.

Because I’m still grieving my sister’s death and worried sick about finding a job, I’m strangely calm about TTC right now. It’ll happen when it happens, right?

Anyone else out there going through an unplanned bump in the road? Does anyone have any success stories after hysteroscopy?

07.01.82-03.06.14

sisters2It’s been one month since my sister died and it’s only getting harder. The first few weeks at home in Ohio were easy to deal with because wrangling three boys under 7 years of age tends to keep your mind occupied. The nights and mornings were the hardest, and sometimes seeing my sister’s face so clearly reflected in her sons brought me to tears.

Back in Brooklyn job hunting helped to occupy the spaces of my brain that would have normally focused on the things I miss about her, the things I wish I could have said, the future that could have been. But as the days turned to weeks and my resumes seemed stuck in a limbo of their own, my mind became more clear and thoughts of my sister and all that we had and could have had came flooding back.

My sister was:
Hilarious with an infectious laugh.
Incredibly talented
Beautiful
Smart
A smart-ass

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