We came, We tried (again), We’re still not Pregnant

A brief synopsis:

I’ve been planning to quit my job to focus on refreshing my doula skills and work for my friends as their nanny for some time. I’ve been eyeing a college to be a KD for Leah; he’s handsome, smart, fertile, kind of a perfect ten. We always said that after some time I’d pass the torch to Leah to try since she really wants to carry as well. So it was kinda perfect.

Except he and his partner decided to move to California … around the same time I put in my notice aka the end of insurance.

So we both inseminated.

Leah with the KD two Fridays ago at home and me the following day, triggered, but no Femera (new RE)

We TWWed together giggle about the possibility of both being pregnant. We compared TWW symptoms and yesterday we discovered that neither of us are pregnant. Double the BFN + Double PMS = no fun zone.

I was holding out hope that I tested too early, like when I got my BFP, but three tests later, CD 28, 13 DPO I think I’m done.

Like, done done.

The first try after the miscarriage, I dunno, for some reason I thought I’d get thrown a bone. I thought I’d get a break, Gd would have some mercy and we’d get to be moms. I didn’t think it would be as hard, but it’s so devastating to know that we’re still motherless women.

I told Leah through tears that I felt like my body was broken and that I was really done this time. I don’t want to try to get pregnant any more, at least not for a long while. For almost 2 years I’ve been on this journey and I’m 95% sure I’m ready to pass the baton to her. It’s hard because we have a KD lined up for me who’s ready, willing and able but without insurance for monitoring (although I produced 3 follicles all on my own this cycle) and my body’s inability to ovulate on it’s own or to carry a full luteal phase without progesterone, it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the further headaches and disappointment. I’m at the place of feeling completely hopeless …

I’ll be 36 in a few weeks and it’s scary to think that I’m going to be willing to wait until I’m 37 to try again, but I just don’t think I have the strength to do it. Who knows, tomorrow I may think differently. Okay, probably not tomorrow.

I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

After a miscarriage the pregnancy hormone, HSG, can stay in your body for up to a month. A month that, for me, meant morning sickness, sore/sensitive breasts and nipples, frequent urination, fullness in my stomach-all of the joys of the first trimester of pregnancy.

The first trimester came and went and now I’m officially no longer pregnant.

Tonight, in a friend’s house, a friend who has a beautiful baby girl, I took a pregnancy test and only got one line. And because we’re in a weird phase of the TTC cycle I didn’t feel upset that we weren’t pregnant, I felt relief that I wasn’t any more.

For over a month I went through the miscarriage process. 2 D&Cs, 3 rounds of mispopristil (sp), acupuncture sessions and herbs all trying to expel the lifeless fetus from my body. For over a month I isolated myself. For over a month I wondered if my relationship was over (Leah did not handle the miscarriage well at all-and that is the understatement of the century). For over a month I wondered where I would live, how I would survive. I thought about death, my own. I thought about life, the one that was lost. For over a month I laid in bed, I wept, I starved. For over a month I spoke to no one.

And through it all, some how, mostly guided by a trip to NYC that was planned months before we knew we were pregnant, I have found myself again. I am laughing. I smile easily. I enjoy the company of other people. I feel alive again. I feel like myself again.

I have on new glasses, they’re crystal clear replacements of the rose-colored glasses I wore through this TTC process. They are glasses that know that I may not get pregnant (some women don’t). They are glasses that know that I may miscarriage again. They are glasses that know that whatever happens, I will be ready.