I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

After a miscarriage the pregnancy hormone, HSG, can stay in your body for up to a month. A month that, for me, meant morning sickness, sore/sensitive breasts and nipples, frequent urination, fullness in my stomach-all of the joys of the first trimester of pregnancy.

The first trimester came and went and now I’m officially no longer pregnant.

Tonight, in a friend’s house, a friend who has a beautiful baby girl, I took a pregnancy test and only got one line. And because we’re in a weird phase of the TTC cycle I didn’t feel upset that we weren’t pregnant, I felt relief that I wasn’t any more.

For over a month I went through the miscarriage process. 2 D&Cs, 3 rounds of mispopristil (sp), acupuncture sessions and herbs all trying to expel the lifeless fetus from my body. For over a month I isolated myself. For over a month I wondered if my relationship was over (Leah did not handle the miscarriage well at all-and that is the understatement of the century). For over a month I wondered where I would live, how I would survive. I thought about death, my own. I thought about life, the one that was lost. For over a month I laid in bed, I wept, I starved. For over a month I spoke to no one.

And through it all, some how, mostly guided by a trip to NYC that was planned months before we knew we were pregnant, I have found myself again. I am laughing. I smile easily. I enjoy the company of other people. I feel alive again. I feel like myself again.

I have on new glasses, they’re crystal clear replacements of the rose-colored glasses I wore through this TTC process. They are glasses that know that I may not get pregnant (some women don’t). They are glasses that know that I may miscarriage again. They are glasses that know that whatever happens, I will be ready.

Our Bean and an Update

Two days ago we went in for a growth scan and though Bean measured on target for 8wks + 6days they found no beating heart.

Today we’re going in for a D&C.

There’s not much else to say, except that I am heart-broken.

***UPDATE***

So I went in for the D&C, came out of surgery and the doctor told me, “In 35 years of practice, I’ve never had an unsuccessful D&C. The fetus was too far up your uterus and we couldn’t get it out.”

So now we’re experiencing what I’d hoped to avoid. I actually have to miscarry our Bean and will most likely need continued monitoring to make sure my body expels everything. I’m still high on surgery drugs and took my first round of drugs to start the processes, plus vicodin for the pain. Feeling numb.

6 Weeks Pregnant!

  • Obviously, she’s growing like crazy!
  • She’s also circulating blood with her increasingly more sophisticated circulatory sytem.
  • She’s about to get cuter too, since she’s starting to sprout a nose, eyes, ears, chin and cheeks.
  • And she might even be wiggling her (paddle-like) hands and feet.

Nothing super special to report. I’m exhausted all of the time and my boobs are huge and painful. I’ve been sick a few times, usually brought on by brushing too soon after eating. There has been a lot of queasiness with either cotton mouth or excessive salivation. The cramps have settled down a bit and I’m getting some slightly stabbing feelings occasionally, but usually only when I get up from bed in the morning.

I realized that our scan is at 7 weeks (7 days away!) and not 6 weeks as our RE told us so we’re waiting.

On the house front, the closing got pushed back to the same week as the scan so a lot should happen next week.

I’m getting better and getting out of my head. I am resisting the urge to buy yet another pregnancy test. I’m listening to pregnancy affirmations daily, which I think is helping. I think (hope) that things will settle down in my head after next week.

Just Add Prayers

Tehillim is the Hebrew name for the Psalms.

A good friend of mine, an Orthodox Jewish woman with a beautiful baby girl who just celebrated her first birthday, sent me Tehillim 102 and 103 with a reminder that it’s all in Hashem’s (G-d) hands. She, like me, went through almost a year of fertility woes and watched as our mutual friend “accidentally” got pregnant and others who were planning it did so easily. She has been one of my most consistent friends in this journey towards motherhood, and while my other friends who have been blessed with their children are now consumed with early motherhood, she always finds the time to ask me how I’m doing and to remind me that I’m still in her prayers.

So it can’t hurt to add one more ingredient to this crazy, tiring, expensive, exhausting, heart-wrenching, devastating TTC journey, right?
1A prayer for a poor man when he enwraps himself and pours out his speech before the Lord. אתְּפִלָּה לְעָנִי כִי יַעֲטֹף וְלִפְנֵי יְהֹוָה יִשְׁפֹּךְ שִׂיחוֹ:
2O Lord, hearken to my prayer, and may my cry come to You. ביְהֹוָה שִׁמְעָה תְפִלָּתִי וְשַׁוְעָתִי אֵלֶיךָ תָבוֹא:
3Do not hide Your countenance from me; on the day of my distress extend Your ear to me; on the day I call, answer me quickly. גאַל תַּסְתֵּר פָּנֶיךָ | מִמֶּנִּי בְּיוֹם צַר לִי הַטֵּה אֵלַי אָזְנֶךָ בְּיוֹם אֶקְרָא מַהֵר עֲנֵנִי:
4For my days have ended in smoke, and as a hearth my bones are dried up. דכִּי כָלוּ בְעָשָׁן יָמָי וְעַצְמוֹתַי כְּמוֹקֵד נִחָרוּ:
5Beaten like grass and withered is my heart, for I have forgotten to eat my bread. ההוּכָּה כָעֵשֶׂב וַיִּבַשׁ לִבִּי כִּי שָׁכַחְתִּי מֵאֲכֹל לַחְמִי:
6From the sound of my sigh my bones clung to my flesh. ומִקּוֹל אַנְחָתִי דָּבְקָה עַצְמִי לִבְשָׂרִי:
7I was like a bird of the wilderness; I was like an owl of the wasteland. זדָּמִיתִי לִקְאַת מִדְבָּר הָיִיתִי כְּכוֹס חֳרָבוֹת:
8I pondered, and I am like a lonely bird on a roof. חשָׁקַדְתִּי וָאֶהְיֶה כְּצִפּוֹר בּוֹדֵד עַל גָּג:
9All day long my enemies revile me; those who scorn me swear by me. טכָּל הַיּוֹם חֵרְפוּנִי אוֹיְבָי מְהוֹלָלַי בִּי נִשְׁבָּעוּ:
10For ashes I ate like bread, and my drinks I mixed with weeping. יכִּי אֵפֶר כַּלֶּחֶם אָכָלְתִּי וְשִׁקֻּוַי בִּבְכִי מָסָכְתִּי:
11Because of Your fury and Your anger, for You picked me up and cast me down. יאמִפְּנֵי זַעַמְךָ וְקִצְפֶּךָ כִּי נְשָׂאתַנִי וַתַּשְׁלִיכֵנִי:
12My days are like a lengthening shadow, and I dry out like grass. יביָמַי כְּצֵל נָטוּי וַאֲנִי כָּעֵשֶׂב אִיבָשׁ:
13But You, O Lord, will be enthroned forever, and Your mention is to all generations. יגוְאַתָּה יְהֹוָה לְעוֹלָם תֵּשֵׁב וְזִכְרְךָ לְדֹר וָדֹר:
14You will rise, You will have mercy on Zion for there is a time to favor it, for the appointed season has arrived. ידאַתָּה תָקוּם תְּרַחֵם צִיּוֹן כִּי עֵת לְחֶנְנָהּ כִּי בָא מוֹעֵד:
15For Your servants desired its stones and favored its dust. טוכִּי רָצוּ עֲבָדֶיךָ אֶת אֲבָנֶיהָ וְאֶת עֲפָרָהּ יְחֹנֵנוּ:
16And the nations will fear the name of the Lord, and all the kings of the earth Your glory. טזוְיִירְאוּ גוֹיִם אֶת שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וְכָל מַלְכֵי הָאָרֶץ אֶת כְּבוֹדֶךָ:
17For the Lord has built up Zion; He has appeared in His glory. יזכִּי בָנָה יְהֹוָה צִיּוֹן נִרְאָה בִּכְבוֹדוֹ:
18He has turned to the prayer of those who cried out, and He did not despise their prayer. יחפָּנָה אֶל תְּפִלַּת הָעַרְעָר וְלֹא בָזָה אֶת תְּפִלָּתָם:
19Let this be inscribed for the latest generation, and a [newly] created people will praise Yah. יטתִּכָּתֶב זֹאת לְדוֹר אַחֲרוֹן וְעַם נִבְרָא יְהַלֶּל יָהּ:
20For He has looked down from His holy height; the Lord looked from heaven to earth, ככִּי הִשְׁקִיף מִמְּרוֹם קָדְשׁוֹ יְהֹוָה מִשָּׁמַיִם | אֶל אֶרֶץ הִבִּיט:
21To hear the cry of the prisoner, to loose the sons of the dying nation; כאלִשְׁמֹעַ אֶנְקַת אָסִיר לְפַתֵּחַ בְּנֵי תְמוּתָה:
22To proclaim in Zion the name of the Lord and His praise in Jerusalem. כבלְסַפֵּר בְּצִיּוֹן שֵׁם יְהֹוָה וּתְהִלָּתוֹ בִּירוּשָׁלִָם:
23When peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to serve the Lord. כגבְּהִקָּבֵץ עַמִּים יַחְדָּו וּמַמְלָכוֹת לַעֲבֹד אֶת יְהֹוָה:
24He has afflicted my strength on the way; He has shortened my days. כדעִנָּה בַדֶּרֶךְ כֹּחִי (כתיב כֹּחִו) קִצַּר יָמָי:
25I say, “My God, do not take me away in the middle of my days, You Whose years endure throughout all generations. כהאֹמַר אֵלִי אַל תַּעֲלֵנִי בַּחֲצִי יָמָי בְּדוֹר דּוֹרִים שְׁנוֹתֶיךָ:
26In the beginning You founded the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. כולְפָנִים הָאָרֶץ יָסַדְתָּ וּמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֶיךָ שָׁמָיִם:
27They will perish but You will endure, and all of them will rot away like a garment; like raiment You will turn them over and they will pass away. כזהֵמָּה | יֹאבֵדוּ וְאַתָּה תַעֲמֹד וְכֻלָּם כַּבֶּגֶד יִבְלוּ כַּלְּבוּשׁ תַּחֲלִיפֵם וְיַחֲלֹפוּ:
28But You are He, and Your years will not end. כחוְאַתָּה הוּא וּשְׁנוֹתֶיךָ לֹא יִתָּמּוּ:
29The children of Your servants will dwell, and their seed will be established before You.” כטבְּנֵי עֲבָדֶיךָ יִשְׁכֹּנוּ וְזַרְעָם לְפָנֶיךָ יִכּוֹן: