Chapter Closed

Today I went to Swedish in Seattle for another (successful) D&C and this Chapter of my life. Pregnancy #1 is now closed.

There’s a lot to say. Lots of feelings. Lots of planning, but I’m just looking forward to actually being able to properly heal and properly grieve this loss.

My Midwife is all of a sudden worried that my fibroids will be a “problem” which is interesting because they were never problematic for my RE in Brooklyn, but that worry is for another few months.

For now, I’m just here. Watching from a distance as some of your bellies continue to grow. Holding space and prayers of strength for those of you whose path has gone astray as mine has. And hopeful joy that one day I’ll hold a baby all of my own in my arms.

Gonna take some time away from the blog to re-group, but/and THANK YOU to all of you who have supported me both on this blog, offline and in real life.

7wks & Cesarean Talks

Yesterday was a pretty big day for us. We closed on our house at 8AM and at 10 AM we got to see our little bean for the first time.

I’m still processing the scan.

After handing over lots of money and signing away our lives for the next 30 years we went for breakfast at a little Italian coffee shop that serves yummy breakfast. I felt fine eating it, but as soon as we left the restaurant I started dry heaving. We got in the car and I sipped on water, but opened the door to puke out of a moving vehicle for about a half mile. Yay morning sickness!

We got to the office and I felt fine.

We got into the exam room and I felt fine, and excited.

My RE came in with another an ultrasound tech, anticipating that Bean would be hard to see because of the fibroids, which turned out to be correct. One minute of uncomfortable pressure later the tech left to get the stomach ultrasound device and after sliding it around my stomach for a while-BEAN!

Bean at 6w6dSmaller and fuzzier than I was expecting to see, but there was Bean, in its little sac measuring right on target. I should have been excited, but then they took the device off of Bean and started measuring my fibroids (largest is 90mm/cm) and talking quietly to each other. I looked over at Leah and she squeezed my hand. We’d seen Bean, we saw Bean’s little heart flickering. It’s all good.

Finally my RE congratulated me and left to get us pictures and for me to get dressed.

I was excited, but I didn’t cry as I expected to. Somehow I knew something was up.

About 5 minutes later she came back in and the first words out of her mouth were, “You’re going to need a C-section to deliver this baby.”

I was crushed. She continued talking to us about a lot of ultrasounds and growth restriction and postpartum hemorrhage.

In fact, I’m crying now as I write. (Yay, hormones!)

As a birth worker, I am aware of certain phrases that are triggers for Mamas. “At least you have a healthy baby!” to a woman who had a c-section, planned or unplanned is one of them. Obviously, we all want healthy babies, and it doesn’t take away from the disappointment that many women feel when faced with a c-section. This was a conversation I was dreading after 40 hours of labor in a hospital, not at 7 weeks pregnant.

So now we’re researching fibroids and vaginal birth, questioning OBs, trying to find one that would be willing to work with us, and trying to figure out what it all means.

I’m incredibly happy Bean is alive, has a beating heart, and is making Imma SUPER sick (all good signs of a healthy pregnancy, they say). I’m also incredibly thrown that I haven’t even thought about my birth vision yet, and already it’s gone off track.

As for symptoms, I’ve got ’em all. I’m barfing at least 3 times a day, dry heaving more and nauseous all of the time. I’m EXHAUSTED and even when I sleep 12+ hours like last night when I fell asleep on the couch watching the NBA Playoffs, I still feel like I can sleep away the rest of the day. My boobs are HUGE (they were a 36DDD before I started this journey) and SORE. Like, don’t even look at them sore. The cramps have gone away, but still stabbing sensations when I wake up in the morning or change positions while sleeping.

Hormones-I’m crying at almost anything sweet or adorable. Wells Fargo commercials, to reality TV stars crying, I’m crying along with them.

We’ve told both of our parents, people we work with (I had too running out of meetings, etc. to barf), and two of our Mama friends, but we’re keeping it under wraps to the rest of the world until the second trimester.