Chapter Closed

Today I went to Swedish in Seattle for another (successful) D&C and this Chapter of my life. Pregnancy #1 is now closed.

There’s a lot to say. Lots of feelings. Lots of planning, but I’m just looking forward to actually being able to properly heal and properly grieve this loss.

My Midwife is all of a sudden worried that my fibroids will be a “problem” which is interesting because they were never problematic for my RE in Brooklyn, but that worry is for another few months.

For now, I’m just here. Watching from a distance as some of your bellies continue to grow. Holding space and prayers of strength for those of you whose path has gone astray as mine has. And hopeful joy that one day I’ll hold a baby all of my own in my arms.

Gonna take some time away from the blog to re-group, but/and THANK YOU to all of you who have supported me both on this blog, offline and in real life.

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7wks & Cesarean Talks

Yesterday was a pretty big day for us. We closed on our house at 8AM and at 10 AM we got to see our little bean for the first time.

I’m still processing the scan.

After handing over lots of money and signing away our lives for the next 30 years we went for breakfast at a little Italian coffee shop that serves yummy breakfast. I felt fine eating it, but as soon as we left the restaurant I started dry heaving. We got in the car and I sipped on water, but opened the door to puke out of a moving vehicle for about a half mile. Yay morning sickness!

We got to the office and I felt fine.

We got into the exam room and I felt fine, and excited.

My RE came in with another an ultrasound tech, anticipating that Bean would be hard to see because of the fibroids, which turned out to be correct. One minute of uncomfortable pressure later the tech left to get the stomach ultrasound device and after sliding it around my stomach for a while-BEAN!

Bean at 6w6dSmaller and fuzzier than I was expecting to see, but there was Bean, in its little sac measuring right on target. I should have been excited, but then they took the device off of Bean and started measuring my fibroids (largest is 90mm/cm) and talking quietly to each other. I looked over at Leah and she squeezed my hand. We’d seen Bean, we saw Bean’s little heart flickering. It’s all good.

Finally my RE congratulated me and left to get us pictures and for me to get dressed.

I was excited, but I didn’t cry as I expected to. Somehow I knew something was up.

About 5 minutes later she came back in and the first words out of her mouth were, “You’re going to need a C-section to deliver this baby.”

I was crushed. She continued talking to us about a lot of ultrasounds and growth restriction and postpartum hemorrhage.

In fact, I’m crying now as I write. (Yay, hormones!)

As a birth worker, I am aware of certain phrases that are triggers for Mamas. “At least you have a healthy baby!” to a woman who had a c-section, planned or unplanned is one of them. Obviously, we all want healthy babies, and it doesn’t take away from the disappointment that many women feel when faced with a c-section. This was a conversation I was dreading after 40 hours of labor in a hospital, not at 7 weeks pregnant.

So now we’re researching fibroids and vaginal birth, questioning OBs, trying to find one that would be willing to work with us, and trying to figure out what it all means.

I’m incredibly happy Bean is alive, has a beating heart, and is making Imma SUPER sick (all good signs of a healthy pregnancy, they say). I’m also incredibly thrown that I haven’t even thought about my birth vision yet, and already it’s gone off track.

As for symptoms, I’ve got ’em all. I’m barfing at least 3 times a day, dry heaving more and nauseous all of the time. I’m EXHAUSTED and even when I sleep 12+ hours like last night when I fell asleep on the couch watching the NBA Playoffs, I still feel like I can sleep away the rest of the day. My boobs are HUGE (they were a 36DDD before I started this journey) and SORE. Like, don’t even look at them sore. The cramps have gone away, but still stabbing sensations when I wake up in the morning or change positions while sleeping.

Hormones-I’m crying at almost anything sweet or adorable. Wells Fargo commercials, to reality TV stars crying, I’m crying along with them.

We’ve told both of our parents, people we work with (I had too running out of meetings, etc. to barf), and two of our Mama friends, but we’re keeping it under wraps to the rest of the world until the second trimester.

Yay, Aunt Flo!

So after a day of spotting and two days of period cramps without bleeding I finally got my period today!
It’s strange that over a year ago I posted about being excited about my period. When we’re TTC getting AF is definitely not something we look forward to. But, knowing that the surgery went well, that my body is “working” getting AF is not a disappointment, but rather confirmation that we’re staring our TTC journey anew.

We’re still not covered by insurance, but since we were recently gifted left over sperm vials from some of our friends who got their BFP we’re saving on cost for this cycle. We also discovered that the clinic we’re storing our specimens does IUI and monitoring. Since they don’t take insurance it’s all out of pocket, but their costs are about the same as a midwife, and they’re either not getting back to us or booked for months.

We thought about just doing AI, and who knows we may, but for now it feels good that we can keep up with IUI, and at a fraction of the cost.

Lesbians on Birth Control

pills, pills, pillsIt’s August and a lot has been going on.

  • I have a job, yet no insurance. I’m working on appealing my company because I’m told the reason the company doesn’t cover fertility is because “women tend to leave their jobs after their fertility coverage.” My question is, if it was any other pre-existing condition would they deny coverage? And perhaps the reason women “leave their jobs” is because the maternity coverage sucks, or they can’t get their jobs back. There’s always a fight, it seems.
  • We’ve found two-three possible KD candidates which we’re excited about.
  • We’re set to have my polyps removed in late August
  • Two of our friends who were TTC are pregnant. Remember that dream I had? I’m shockingly very happy for our friends and can’t wait to be aunties!

Oh, and I’m on the pill.

 

 

Infertility, Endured Through the Prism of Race: A Cross-Post from NYT

photo from New York Times

I was sent this article from a biracial friend who’s TTC with her wife. I skimmed it quickly and sent a simple response, “Good article” and then asked about her IUI cycle. It’s only after a more thorough reading that I have more to say. While I found the article good, incredibly relevant, and necessary it also does a pretty awesome job of stereotyping women of color as uneducated, poor and uninterested in our fertility until it’s “too late.” Of course, it’s also entirely from a hetero-normative point of view, but we can’t expect everything to go our way, can we? I’m, of course, also a bit miffed that they quoted a doctor from Genesis Fertility as an “expert” on black women and infertility, especially since Genesis seemed blithely unaware or uninterested in the role my fibroids play in my fertility, they didn’t do a diagnostic test to insure my fallopian tubes were open and they didn’t notice the polyp in my uterus.

I know, I know it’s in the past and I’m now  working with a RE that cares and takes the time, but it annoys me that perhaps other women of color in NYC will go to Genesis for their fertility needs. Don’t! Don’t do it!

Thoughts?

 

 

 

#30DayFitnessChallenge

UPDATES:

I got my period while vacationing with Leah and my family over the weekend. I have one official offer and the other is 98% likely to come through, which is great. Both offer insurance better than I had before, which is also great. But the timing is off. Even if I accept the first offer and get on the insurance, it won’t start until May 1st, smack dab in the middle of my cycle. So we wait.

I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past few months, like a lot. I’m not sure if it’s my winter lbs, grief eating (mmmm, grief eating), the hormones, laziness (I’ve been quite lazy) or a combination of them all. I’m going with e; all of the above. Since we won’t be having surgery this month and I get a break from the fertility drugs, I’ve decided to do a 30 Day Fitness/Health Challenge with the goal of only eating fruits, veggies, whole grains and nuts and getting at least 30 minutes of exercise in a day. It’d be great to shed some extra weight too, but my focus is on health.

It’s no secret, though, that weight and fibroids and fertility goes hand-in-hand so I’m hoping that after 30 days I’ll be healthier and hopefully will have gained some better habits that can only help the TTC process. I dug out The Fertility Diet and am trying to stick to the advice there as well.

I’m on day 2. So far, so good.

Next Step, Surgery

Good l-rd, TTC is incredibly trying.

Frustrated with TWW, I decided to bite the bullet and do a home pregnancy test. I knew the trigger shot should be out of my system and I’d much rather know if we weren’t pregnant to start making plans about the next few cycles and truthfully, I have no clue what we’re going to do.

I tested negative and we have a few things to consider:

1-My last day of work is tomorrow which means I will not only have no jobs, I’ll have no insurance.

2-While I have two really good job prospects, I don’t have any offers on the table.

3-Leah and I could get married so that I can go on her insurance, but I’m worried that my infertility will be a pre-existing condition

4-We’ll most likely have to wait a cycle out for surgery to remove the polyp

5-Maybe we should just…wait.

Because I’m still grieving my sister’s death and worried sick about finding a job, I’m strangely calm about TTC right now. It’ll happen when it happens, right?

Anyone else out there going through an unplanned bump in the road? Does anyone have any success stories after hysteroscopy?

Three Fibroids, Blocked Tube, and a Polyp

I found out about the polyp during monitoring before we started this cycle and Dr. Trivax, our new and fantastic RE was, as always, matter of fact and optimistic. He told us that he’s had patients get pregnant and have healthy pregnancies with a polyp and that we’d go forward with this cycle since it’s small. If it doesn’t work (Please, G-d, let it work!) I’ll have a hysteroscopy to get it removed.

So, of course, I Googled a lot. Things like, “Can I get pregnant with a polyp?” “Can I get pregnant with a polyp and fibroids?” “Can you get pregnant with uterine polyps”

Google did it’s job of simultaneously scaring the shit out of me: “The inability to become pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term may also be signs that uterine polyps are present.”

and encouraging me:Many polyps do not interfere with the ability to get pregnant. However, large or multiple polyps can sometimes cause problems with fertility or result in recurrent miscarriage.” 

And for some strange reason, perhaps because my world already fell apart and really, what else could go wrong, I’m just going with the flow. Leah is shocked that I’m so calm, cool and collected, but as I said, I’ve already been through hell. This is nothing.

Or is it?

I’m trying not go go back down the rabbit hole of worry, because I’m in TWW and trying to stay stress-free, but sometimes thoughts do creep into my head. I have a blocked fallopian tube and fibroids and now a polyp? Is this supposed to happen or is this a sign that I’m not supposed to carry?

Anyone have polyps or fibroids? Were you able to get pregnant?