And now we wait *language*

If our baby was still alive, it would be 9wks 3 days.

The really fucked up part is that its still inside of me and after one D&C and three unsuccessful rounds of Misoprostol all we can do is wait.

Today I went to my RE for an ultrasound, that I didn’t watch. I squeezed my eyes shut for the scan that seemed to last a lifetime. I knew I couldn’t watch. I couldn’t see our baby on the screen. I asked the tech to just scan and not tell me anything and I asked my RE to distract me, so we talked about the house.

After the scan the tech and my RE left to let me dress and my RE came back to report that the gestational sac has started to pull away from my uterus and that blood has started clotting in the space where it was attached. I could miscarry tomorrow or next week, but because we want to try again they don’t recommend doing another D&C for fear of damaging my uterus.

So I literally have to wait.

Fucked up is the only way I can describe what I’m feeling. Tired and depressed and anxious and sad and unglued all work, but fucked up is the only thing I keep thinking. It’s so unnerving to be in this state of limbo. It’s unnerving to remember (because my body still thinks it’s pregnant) that I’m not. It’s unnerving to roll over at night and my breasts still hurt. I still have nausea when I eat certain things and my pants are still snug around my waist.

It’s also still incredibly lonely and isolating and I’ve found that much like when my sister passed away, some people cannot handle this kind of unfinished grief. I say unfinished because while our baby’s heart stopped being sometime last week, the fact that I still haven’t miscarried means that it’s not “finished.” There’s no closure. There’s only the impending fear that one day I’ll be awakened by cramps and that I’ll have to see my body bleed. Things I was hoping to avoid with the D&C and things that are inevitable.

And all the while I have my job on my back wondering when I will return. I have friends who have all of a sudden disappeared and I have a Facebook feed brimming with pregnancy announcements and new babies and I can’t help but feel resentment and anger towards those women and families and can’t help but wail while showering.

My grief is all-encompassing, over-powering, all-consuming, raw and unfinished. It’s the only thing I think of and the only thing I wish I could get rid of.

Still Nothing

Tomorrow makes one week since we found out Bean’s heart has stopped beating. And despite two rounds of misoprostil (sp) I still haven’t miscarried.

Tomorrow I take a third dose.

Today I had some light spotting and light cramping and that’s it.

I’m honestly not sure how much more I’m going to be able to withstand.