I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

After a miscarriage the pregnancy hormone, HSG, can stay in your body for up to a month. A month that, for me, meant morning sickness, sore/sensitive breasts and nipples, frequent urination, fullness in my stomach-all of the joys of the first trimester of pregnancy.

The first trimester came and went and now I’m officially no longer pregnant.

Tonight, in a friend’s house, a friend who has a beautiful baby girl, I took a pregnancy test and only got one line. And because we’re in a weird phase of the TTC cycle I didn’t feel upset that we weren’t pregnant, I felt relief that I wasn’t any more.

For over a month I went through the miscarriage process. 2 D&Cs, 3 rounds of mispopristil (sp), acupuncture sessions and herbs all trying to expel the lifeless fetus from my body. For over a month I isolated myself. For over a month I wondered if my relationship was over (Leah did not handle the miscarriage well at all-and that is the understatement of the century). For over a month I wondered where I would live, how I would survive. I thought about death, my own. I thought about life, the one that was lost. For over a month I laid in bed, I wept, I starved. For over a month I spoke to no one.

And through it all, some how, mostly guided by a trip to NYC that was planned months before we knew we were pregnant, I have found myself again. I am laughing. I smile easily. I enjoy the company of other people. I feel alive again. I feel like myself again.

I have on new glasses, they’re crystal clear replacements of the rose-colored glasses I wore through this TTC process. They are glasses that know that I may not get pregnant (some women don’t). They are glasses that know that I may miscarriage again. They are glasses that know that whatever happens, I will be ready.

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15 thoughts on “I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

  1. I was thinking of you earlier this evening, hoping that you were doing alright in spite of all that you’ve been through in the last several weeks. Is it strange that we think of people we know only through their stories posted on the Internet? Strange or not, I’m sorry to hear mention of how difficult things have been (understandably), but glad to hear that you’re feeling yourself again.

  2. I’m so sorry you had to learn about this side of TTC and pregnancy loss, truly I am. This is a beautifully written yet heartbreaking account of what life looks like through the eyes of a woman grieving. I do hope that the world clears up for you a bit and you able to get back some sense of normalcy. Xoxox

  3. Sounds like you’re in a healthy space. Welcome back. I hope things turn themselves back around with Leah. Mc is very hard and everyone deals with it differently. I’ve heard of some dads having a really hard time too. Xx

    • G-d I hope so. There’s a lot of stuff right now between us that is really quite terrible. The vacation has been good for us, I just hope that we can stay in this good space when we’re back home.

      • Might you consider talking to a therapist together? Going through something like that can be very traumatic. I know I’ve had a much harder time with just how I feel about this pregnancy because of the mc. DW has been feeling helpless with what she can do from the sidelines to help, especially through the whole ttc journey, and she’s not one to feel comfortable talking about her feelings, but our therapy sessions over the last 6-10 months have been very helpful. Vacations are great too! Enjoy. Xx

      • It is on our list of things to do. We really did a better job communicating and connecting back in NYC. We were reminded of who we are as a couple and what makes us work as a couple, which I think we lost in the move, TTC and the miscarriage.

  4. I know of everything you are feeling and I sympathize with u! This can sometimes be a long and horrible process and you are a survivor! You seem to be stronger than I was and you should be so proud of yourself. It WILL happen for u and i pray it’s sooner than later!

  5. Glad to hear this chapter is finally behind you and you’re in a happier space now. Best wishes for the continued journey and reconciliation with Leah. So tough…

  6. Welcome back! I know I only just recently started following your journey, but I have been thinking about you a lot lately. It must have been so, unfathomably difficult to get through this. I am so happy to hear that you are feeling better while away on vacation. I hope you continue to feel better and better as the days go by.

  7. Heartbroken to read this, though I understand the need for the new glasses (I needed them, as well).

    Praying for your health and healing.

    Under the same sky,
    Dani

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