And now we wait *language*

If our baby was still alive, it would be 9wks 3 days.

The really fucked up part is that its still inside of me and after one D&C and three unsuccessful rounds of Misoprostol all we can do is wait.

Today I went to my RE for an ultrasound, that I didn’t watch. I squeezed my eyes shut for the scan that seemed to last a lifetime. I knew I couldn’t watch. I couldn’t see our baby on the screen. I asked the tech to just scan and not tell me anything and I asked my RE to distract me, so we talked about the house.

After the scan the tech and my RE left to let me dress and my RE came back to report that the gestational sac has started to pull away from my uterus and that blood has started clotting in the space where it was attached. I could miscarry tomorrow or next week, but because we want to try again they don’t recommend doing another D&C for fear of damaging my uterus.

So I literally have to wait.

Fucked up is the only way I can describe what I’m feeling. Tired and depressed and anxious and sad and unglued all work, but fucked up is the only thing I keep thinking. It’s so unnerving to be in this state of limbo. It’s unnerving to remember (because my body still thinks it’s pregnant) that I’m not. It’s unnerving to roll over at night and my breasts still hurt. I still have nausea when I eat certain things and my pants are still snug around my waist.

It’s also still incredibly lonely and isolating and I’ve found that much like when my sister passed away, some people cannot handle this kind of unfinished grief. I say unfinished because while our baby’s heart stopped being sometime last week, the fact that I still haven’t miscarried means that it’s not “finished.” There’s no closure. There’s only the impending fear that one day I’ll be awakened by cramps and that I’ll have to see my body bleed. Things I was hoping to avoid with the D&C and things that are inevitable.

And all the while I have my job on my back wondering when I will return. I have friends who have all of a sudden disappeared and I have a Facebook feed brimming with pregnancy announcements and new babies and I can’t help but feel resentment and anger towards those women and families and can’t help but wail while showering.

My grief is all-encompassing, over-powering, all-consuming, raw and unfinished. It’s the only thing I think of and the only thing I wish I could get rid of.

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9 thoughts on “And now we wait *language*

  1. Grieve how you want, as much as you want, for as long as you want. It’s a terrible trauma and I’m sorry if people are disappearing because they’re unable to help you through the pain. We’re here for you during this dark time. Huge from NYC.

  2. I am so sorry you are going through this traumatic process. My heart hurts for you. Praying that things move forward so you may move past the dread and anxiety and onto grieving and eventually healing (as best as one can).

  3. I am so sorry that you are going through this. One of my miscarriages took over 29 days from the first Misoprostol dose until my beta dropped below 5. The wait was excruciating. I am sorry and I hope you don’t have to wait too much longer for your body to pass everything. Sending you love and strength to get through this.

    • Oh my gosh. Did you work through the whole thing? I’ve been off work for a variety of reasons, the move is one and the fact that my depression is all-encompassing and completely debilitating.

      Today I saw my acupuncturist who asked what I was holding on to. She thinks that I’m subconsciously holding onto the pregnancy and that’s why my body isn’t miscarrying.

      I’m not sure if I buy that or not, but I do think that because we were so wanting this pregnancy and so excited about it that maybe it could be true.

      Sorry for the long reply. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

      • In my first 3 micarraiges I worked through all of them, with the exception of surgery days. With the 4th one that lasted 29 days, it was the first time I went out on medical leave. (My company still tried emailing me work and ultimately I quit, but that’s another conversation for another day).
        Honestly, I don’t think there is a mental connection strong enough to make your body hold onto the pregnancy, no disrespect to your acupuncturist or anyone else who might feel that way. I think it just happens. It sucks, but it happens.
        Either way, I really hope your body does let go soon enough, and I really hope you are able to recover from all of this as quickly as possible. Love to you!

  4. Your story and post has resonated with me so much, I could have written it myself. The pain and limbo of ‘unfinished’ is indescribable to someone who has not lived through it. Or is living through it.

    I discovered a week and a half ago, at what should have been just shy of 13 weeks that we had lost our baby at 8 weeks. I started spotting, and as we are planning to try again elected for natural miscarriage. 6 doses of misoprostol later, one haemorrhage & hospitalisation, I’m still cramping and spotting and not at all hopeful that at my appointment tomorrow I will get the ‘all clear’.

    I really hope things happen for you quickly, and you are able to get the closure you need so you feel you can start to move forward.

    Lots of comfort, sympathy and tears from someone like you xx

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